Tag Archives: self esteem

are you super angry, bitter, guarded? who can blame you? i can.

here’s what I know (today). being angry feels horrible. feeling bitter gives a strong sense of yuck-iness. And you are lying to yourself if you think it feels good. Maybe temporarily yes- of course! Throw things, yell, cry to your self and your friends. But hating someone because i think they “did me wrong” is BS.  it is much easier to blame someone and to continue to ignore the true essence of who YOU are. I did this for years… maybe always. and I’m not saying I don’t fall back into every now and then- I’m not perfect – well I am perfectly human so that’s another conversation- but a few years ago I “woke up”. it’s a process so even though I knew something drastic had changed in my own being, it is now, years later, where I see it has been growing and I’m in it and will continue to be the rest of my days here. the difference is- i’m awake within this process now. life. what I mean is I’m not resisting any longer. I’m not blaming others and looking outward. people create scenarios and relationships “together” and you can only hold yourself accountable for your part- where they are concerned it is their own personal path and honestly you have your part to play within it and beyond that- little to do with that other individual. no matter how close you were at one time- or for those many years- or because he said she said… Promises are promises yes, but I also realize that MOST people are not trying to harm you. The make mistakes too. They want to believe in something- their potential, yours, and may make promises or say things then guess what!!??!! They change. And because they may not be awake – they don’t have the tools to be honest to themselves about what is really going on. Maybe it could have worked maybe not… But what are you left with now? And what do you want to do with it.
Through a series of relationships and life experiences I realized I never knew what I wanted nor lived for myself. Truly. What I’ve learned is those relationships contributed to my getting to that awakening moment and I am forever grateful… The difference now is I choose differently, because my path has taken a new direction. Those times or relationships ran their course-even if the people involved are or are not in my life at this time. So trying to hold on to something that is past- literally- is resisting where you are going now. I’m not saying forgive and forget. Although that would be terrific because then no energy would be draining from me or mis-used- but that takes a lot of determination and you have to be willing. I had 3 different types of therapy during a 3 month period. Did what I thought was healing thru yoga/ meditation at the time- when I honestly had no idea HOW to meditate. I could barely sit still. Now I can meditate 2 hours- guided that is- but that’s a step!  and another topic. I read Eckhart Tolle’s A New Earth nightly to set my ego aside and be able to sleep. and yet another topic- but back to being open vs. being closed: if you resist, your life will continue to challenge you emotionally, spiritually and so on… If you allow yourself to be gutted open, and say bring it on- you will be amazed how crazy and messy it will get yes! But how right it feels and how much better you will breathe AND that fact that you might be happier in moments than you ever dreamed possible.

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